Ever since art was invented, artists have used art as an excuse to recreate the female form they would most like to impregnate. From the freaky bird-winged mascara wearing Egyptian ladies, to the pale, plump, pretties of the Renaissance, man has used his varying canvas to create boneriffic images of things they yearn for. Video games are no different. The ladies of games have gotten so amazingly out of hand due in part to almost no governing female bodies within the industry. Today's Top 10 is a rundown of some of our favorite gaming ladies who might be suffering some severe back pain.
Let's keep in mind that Pam doesn't deal with the same sort of action most of the characters on this list deal with.
We'll follow suit to our Dude round up, and again use the head as a measuring tool! As the real life starting point, let's use the first person that came to my wife's mind when asked, "What famous chick has huge boobs?" Pamela Anderson! Now, let's remember that Pam is an "Actress" who maintains a figure for her welfare, while most of these other starlets are world class fighters, business moguls, and adventurers. Let the science begin!
10. Excella Gionne - Resident Evil 5
"Wesker, these Uroboros implants are starting to itch...."
While not the most disproportionate of characters, I had to give a shout out to Excella for a few reasons. 1) Why are you trying to destroy the world wearing a "Greek Themed" porno movie costume? 2) You're like the owner of one of the largest pharmaceutical companies on the planet - I'm guessing you know a dynamite plastic surgeon. 3) Capcom: When all else fails... TITS!
9. Lara Croft - Tomb Raider
God, it's hard to imagine this hideous doll got gamers everywhere so hot and bothered.
I was debating this one, but she's the poster child of 3D breasts, and thus gets a spot. She may even be the forerunner for successful female protagonists in games. No wonder all future lady leads tried to fit the inhuman mold set by Miss Raider.
8. Ken Marinaris - Zone of the Enders 2
In space, no one can hear you BOOBS
This is another of those "but why?" characters. It's gotta be pretty tough piloting an orbital frame with those things stuck against the glass. That would explain her general suckage.
7. Mai Shiranui - King of Fighters series
Recommended fighting attire for all women martial artists.
I never really got into the KOF series, but now you don't have to, either. Just Google image search this name, and you pretty much know exactly what the games about. Or maybe not.
6. Any Girl from Dead or Alive
A certain "40 Year Old Virgin" quote involving bags of sand always comes to mind with TECMO "physics".
I'm not sure of the differences between the female characters of Dead or Alive. They seem to all be modeled off of one novelty sex doll. DOA sold itself on it's incredible boob physics, yet clearly no one who worked on the game had even SEEN breasts bounce, let alone encountered them first hand. Good guess, but better luck next time.
5. Rachel - Ninja Gaiden
"Shit, I'm gonna be late to class!" -Regular American Girl/ Demon Slayer
Ho HO! Go get 'em TECMO! You guys are clearly the most repressed of the Japanese game devs. Since it really wasn't that well explained in the game, I'm just assuming Rachel is a typical American, college student: a leather clad, Amazon with a 50 pound chest and a ethics final paper due in the morning!
4. Clotho - God of War 2
Talk about a Butter face! The God of War series is pretty well known for boobage, so even though this thing isn't human doesn't mean they can't slip a nip or 2 or 8 into a boss fight. Clotho is part Pearl from Blade, part Dumont from Tron, and all woman.
3. Tifa - Final Fantasy VII
The first disc of FFVII contained the game; Tifa's tits were on the other two.
Basically just some legs and arms sticking out of a pair of massive mammaries. If you took Aerith to the Golden Saucer on a date, you chose POORLY.
2. Ivy Valentine - Soul Calibur Series
These are probably the only good things a pirate has ever made.
Fighting games traditionally have a higher female to male ratio than any other genre of games, and when you need a titular female lead, how would one go about designing her? Simple!
1. B Orchid - Killer Instinct
Talk about uncanny valley! If someone hadn't told you that B Orchid was computer generated, you probably would have assumed she was just a real actress like MK's Sonya Blade! Speaking of Sonya, why didn't she make the list? Oh wait, I remember.
Hmm, after looking over this list, it seems that since surgery allows it, real life women are actually as stacked as game chicks... well, I guess that means we all win! Keep it up, games! The ladies will follow suit! Note to self, don't let daughter play video games......