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RANT: MURDERNATOR'S E3 Predictions 2011

Well it's E3 time again, and we have a lot of big Threes on the horizon! Modern Warfare 3, Uncharted 3, Mass Effect 3, Battlefield 3, Ninja Gaiden 3, Gears of War 3, Team Ico's Third game all coming out for the Big Three consoles. THREEEEEE!!!!!! In what will be one of the better years for games, it looks like already announced threequels are going to be in the spotlight, but what else am I expecting out of this E3 2011? Let's break it down!

This year's E3 is brought to you by the number THREE!


I really think Nintendo could probably skip the next 3 E3s and still keep their die hard fans and profitability, but that seems unlikely. So what am I thinking the big N has in store for us this year?

-Wii HD (Cafe whatever): No surprises here. Nintendo releases a new console that is a tad more powerful than a 360. No Blu-ray, no DVD playback, no bells and whistles. Nintendo will make a game console, that has a new controller which is a little less "revolutionary" than the Wii-mote. The system will be back compatible with all Wii games/accessories. Nintendo claims to want third party support, but to be honest, they don't need them. At all. One snazzy "Next-gen" (read current gen) rehash of a classic Ninty franchise is shown to lead the hype train. Thinking Star Fox or Metroid simply because they haven't made a new one of those in a while (other M is fake). My guess on price: $300. As for who this thing is marketed at, that's the million dollar question.

-3DS Push: An all out assault to make people want to buy this thing that costs as much as a 360. A serious (yet presentationly boring) blitzkrieg of games shown for the DS successor. A strong emphasis on portraying it as a system that will have great third party support. Not sure what they do here to escape the wave of NGP hype that may just drown out the 3DS.

-Reggie Comes off as Arrogant/Condescending: This guy will strut around like a rich Frankenstein and spew data factoids about how Nintendo wants us to Smile as he re-carpets his house with Dinosaur skin. It's like a cool guy at Nintendo made a bet that he could turn any mongoloid Neanderthal off the street into the spokesperson for the company, and is winning. This smug SOB sets off Kill Bill sirens in my head every time he opens his mouth.

-Games: We see the new Wii Zelda, it looks old already. A new Mario game is shown followed by "coming in 2014". A major third party shows a popular franchise running on Wii HD. That's great but we can already play it on our PS3/360

"Not only has Nintendo outsold the nearest competition by nearly 200%, but my dick is also THIS big."


As far as I'm concerned MS has the most to prove this E3. They have almost no huge news that has been leaked, so they could have something up their sleeves (I PRAY they don't bring out a new console!), but I think they will be somewhat content to sit back on their laurels and reap the money from system and Kinect sales.

-COD Touted as an Exclusive: In similar fashion to Black Ops, MW3 will be shown off on MicroSoft's console, as Activision and MS try to hammer home the fact that COD is MEANT to be played on 360. COD Elite pay service briefly discussed, promoted.

-A Bunch of Kinect ShovelWare: If Nintendo's Wii taught us anything, it's that games don't sell systems, Oprah sells systems. One year later Microsoft admits (without saying anything) that Kinect is not for their core audience and can never really be, by showcasing some truly embarrassing Kinect titles. If you are a celebrity and don't have your own Kinect spin off game, you're not getting invited to the Spike game awards. Well OK, you can come, just pretend like you were always a "gamer" ever since you played pac man.

-MS Leads the Way into Crisis: God I really really hope this one doesn't happen, but MS has been so damn quiet regarding any kind of future plans. If they end with a video of the next Halo running on their "next gen" console slated for release next holiday, I'm converting to full fledged PC gamer.

-Games: Nothing new here folks. Gears is shown, looks great, if you like Gears. COD, BF3, ME3, NG3 (not an exclusive anymore), and a bevy of other known games are shown. Solid games but nothing head exploding.

You ARE the controller!


Sony has a lot of ground to cover this E3. Between PS3, the NGP, PSP, Move and all their media services they really are going to have to try hard to come up with a concise strategy to take our money.

-NGP: Sony's new handheld gets a name, release date, and price. PS3 and NGP compatibility is touted. For the people on the fence about buying a 3DS, this is one more thing to factor in. The hardware is killer and costs $350-$400. History repeats itself.

-MONTAGE!: With so much going on in Sony camp, the only way to fit it all in and keep people entertained is through many, many, many high quality montages. We see games and 3d renders of hardware. It looks classy. When it's done we remember the NGP costs more than any current gen console.

-Kevin Butler Network Outage Apology: He comes out and makes us laugh. In reality the hack does nothing to lessen online play on PSN.

-Games: There's a lot to show here. Uncharted 3 leads the pack, looks great. Metal Gear Rising is shown off more. Move is almost completely overlooked. PSP games on PS3 are elaborated on. New Rockstar PS3 game is shown, I don't care

"As part of our welcome back package, I would be most grateful if you would accept this KILL MYSELF."

So what about you loyal reader/readers? What are you expecting this year?

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Sassy Gay Enemy on :

*Close to my Nintendo predictions, but I see the Mario game coming to 3DS and that being either this fall or spring next year. Also, you have to question who Nintendo market towards at this point? Let me give you a hint: Not you.

I don't think Microsoft has anything up its sleeves, since all their secrets for past E3's were leaked weeks ahead of time. If they were doing something huge, we'd already know about it.

I'm guessing Metal Gear Rising will get more of a 360 push from Konami, but if there's one thing that Sony could do to make their presentations better it would be to get rid of Kevin Butler. This initially cute concept/character isn't parody so much as it is a representation of reality for a company more obsessed with being the cool kid than something nerdy like say consumer safety. It's simply an old joke that's no longer funny.

This past year I've been slowly transitioning to handhelds and Steam only for gaming with rare exceptions. This E3 looks to do nothing to pull me back into the console fold.
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Anonymous on :

Yeah I hope we're right about Microsoft not releasing another console. It's too soon. If Nintys not targeting me for the Wii HD who is it targeting?
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