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RANT: The LA Noire Drinking Game

LA Noire has only been out for a short period of time, but it's already garnered a reputation - a reputation for interesting gameplay, uncanny facial animations, and overheating Playstations. Of that last item, I had no fear, and so when the opportunity arose to borrow a friend's copy and try it out for myself, I boldly accepted the challenge. Needless to say, my trusty 60 gig PS3 performed flawlessly.

I rushed through the game so that I could return it to the friend that I borrowed it from quickly. I was impressed by what I saw, but I wish I'd had more time to savor the game's finer points. You'll get my complete impressions with LA Noire soon, but in the meanwhile, enjoy this taste of what might have been. Hopefully, with this guide in hand, you too can enjoy the unique flavor of 1947 Los Angeles the way it was meant to be experienced - with copious amounts of alcohol.

200 proof grim and dour!

Best played with a group, although drinking all by yourself is cool, if that's your thing.


Props to my boy Alex on identifying this one before I'd even picked the game up.
Trigger: Cole Phelps (the player avatar) literally shouts at another person to begin a conversation, despite not only being indoors, but often having no reason whatsoever to be angry with the other person at all.
Drink: A solid gulp of whatever your chosen poison is. Settle down, tough guy. It's just a crime scene.

Hey, I know that guy! He's played the dude in that one show!

Trigger: You spot someone that you recognize from a TV show.
Drink: The first person to accurately ID them makes everyone else drink. If you ID them incorrectly then you have to drink and take an extra drink for everyone else in the room. If the source WASN'T Mad Men, even is obliged to nod thoughtfully.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What did you just call me? I didn't sign up for this. I want to Juliard, for Christ's sake.

Trigger: Whenever someone says something in casual conversation that would be considered completely unacceptable during a modern day Super Bowl broadcast.
Drink: If you were alive in 1947 and you could've been called this term, then you get a free pass. Everyone else in the room has to do a shot as reparations. Note that this must clearly incontestable - if someone in game mentions a "pinko commie" and your friend decides that he qualifies as one of those, then he'd better be a card-carrying Red.

I'm sorry. I ... don't know what came over me.

Trigger: Whenever you decide to back out of accusing a suspect of a lie during an interrogation.
Drink: Everyone drinks without stopping until Cole finishes his tight-lipped, chagrined apology.

Where have I heard this? I know this! I'm gonna have this stuck in my head all day!

Trigger: Whenever you hear a song that you're pretty sure you've actually heard somewhere else before.
Drink: If you just feel nostalgic and can't quite place it, sip your glass of rye and gaze wistfully into the distance. If you can place the song, raise your glass in respect and then have a drink. If you can place the song and it's because you heard it before in a Fallout game, finish your current drink and mix a Nuka-Cola with rum to replace it.

Stop! I will use deadly force! ... as soon as I can get out of this hallway! I see the doorframe, I just ... hang on ... please stop running!

Trigger: Whenever you have difficulty navigating through the environment thanks to the Rockstar engine's refusal to allow a former Marine lieutenant to understand how to stop on a dime and turn 180 degrees around like anyone above the age of 6 knows how to do.
Drink: If this is a mild inconvenience, shake your head and take a sip. If it confounds you in the middle of trying to find evidence, slap your forward and take a drink. If Cole's inability to navigate actually makes you fail a chase sequence, then finish your drink and hurl the glass into your television set.

Wait 'til they get a load of me.

Trigger: Whenever your sense of restraint finally cracks and you begin your homicidal vehicular rampage through Los Angeles - all because that's what Rockstar's murder simulators have taught you to do for years and years.
Drink: You know what? I think maybe you've had enough.

Still conscious, lads? Sound off on the Facebook page!

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