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CASTING CALL: Mass Effect

Welcome to Friday, dear reader. Casting Call is a new feature where the NODJ think tank selects an established video game franchise that has yet to be properly butchered and re-composited as Hollywood cinematic trash. We take said franchise and figure out the ideal casting choices for said franchise, and distributes the results worldwide for easy understanding.

Our inaugural Casting Call is for Mass Effect. With the third installment of this grandiose space drama on the way, it's only fitting that we brace ourselves for the eventuality of a film that captures the hearts of fans ... and then runs them over with a zamboni. Who deserves the honor of representing Commander Shepard and his crew of ne'er-do-wells? Read on!



Commander Shepard - Sam Worthington



Some actors might be hesitant to take the lead in yet another outer space action adventure. Sam Worthington is not one of those actors. He's got the furrowed eyebrow, he's got the close-cropped hair, and he's got the glare. Let's put a rifle in this dude's hand and watch him kill some Collectors!

FemShep - Sam Worthington



Obviously we can't film two identical movies that simply have a different lead. That's implausible. But give movie-goers the option to listen to an alternate soundtrack where Jennifer Hale reads all of Sam Worthington's lines, and 20% of the Mass Effect fanbase won't know the difference. He even looks like FemShep if you squint!

Miranda - Lady Gaga



Miranda pretty clearly serves only one purpose within the Mass Effect universe. We might as well have her played by someone who knows how to act in front of a camera. And if she passes out from an outfit being fitted too tightly, so much the better!

Garrus Vakarian - Isaiah Mustafa



Look at your turian. Now look at me. Now back to your turian - now BACK to me. Sadly, he is not me. But if he used Old Citadel body fragrance, then he could calibrate engines like me.

Monocle smile!

Ashley Williams - Michelle Rodriguez



As loathe as I am to add another James Cameron's Avatar alumni to the cast, you've got to admit that a stern-of-brow space marine chick with a heart of gold who's more than a little racist is a role that Michelle Rodriguez was probably born to play.

Thane - Robert Pattinson



A pretty boy alien for the ladies? Nothing's hotter in ladytown right now than androgyny! Hop about the ambiguousmobile, girls!

Joker - Charlie Day



It would've been really easy to cast the smart-mouthed pilot of the Normandy with Seth Green, but while I appreciate Seth's work in-game and love his contributions to the Adult Swim lineup, I thought he might be a bit dated for today's movie-going audiences. I tried to think of the 2011 equivalent to Seth Green, but then I realized Charlie Day's probably funnier than anyone who would fit that role.

Tali'Zorah - Michael Cera



Not only do I find the idea that Tali's mask has been hiding a dude the entire time hilarious, but I would really like it if Mr Cera simply played Tali as he plays many of his other characters rather than adapting to the role too much. Almost to the point of not actually belonging in the movie, but instead trying to explain to everyone (who, of course, ignore him utterly) that he's just a boy and not a quarian warrior of any kind. The truth is only exposed when Shepard makes his move close to the end of the film.

Saren - Sarah Jessica Parker



This is an obvious pick - no make up or special effects required. No jokes here, folks, just great ideas.

Zaeed - Leftover popcorn found on the floor of the theater as the credits finish



Sorry, Zaeed, but no one cares about you, especially not after they've beaten the game.

How'd we do, dear reader? Did we miss your favorite suicide-mission team member? Who would you pick?

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