This casting call will do its best to cast the inhuman characters from Tecmo's beloved Ninja Gaiden. We'll skip the history lessons and jump right into a movie using the more current (read xbox onward) versions of the game's cast. As a movie based on the paper thin plot of Ninja Gaiden will not be shooting for Oscar winning human interaction, a lot of the cast could be made of people who at least look the part. Think Ninja Assassin meets Super Mario Brothers and we have a jumping off point for how excellent this movie would be!
Ryu Hayabusa - Cung Le
Let's get this out of the way early on: we will be taking some artistic license as far as what race who plays who is. Since Tecmo cranks out racially ambiguous Ken and Barbie dolls as its characters we will follow suit. For our main man Ryu, I pick Cung Le. He's done some smaller acting parts here and there, was a professional fighter, and is beefy and tall enough to pull off our Flying Swallow hero. TTWAAAAA!!
Joe Hayabusa - John Koyoma
We're getting a little more Japanese with this one. Even John Koyoma's name mimics the "one of these doesn't belong" sensation of Joe Hayabusa's. Of the cast I have lined up, Koyama is the go-to for any real acting. Ryu could just sort of nod and grunt as this guy rattled off crucial plot points to a bewildered audience.
Murai - Triple H
Blade Trinity anyone? I thought so. Triple H is truly a method actor. As long as his character is a steroid abusing, cave man. Luckily Murai is all that. To be honest I just want to see 'ol Tripple H fighting Ryu with nunchucks. Can you say trailer material?
Rachel - Maryse Ouellet
Keeping with a pro-wrestler theme we have WWE chica Maryse. Granted Rachel has some very big "shoes" to fill, but they just don't build women like that anymore. Since she comes from a wrestling background, she should be able to handle some stunts and not look as unconvincing the cast of Sucker Punch.
Ayane - Leah Dizon
Well this one is a stretch. I tried looking for some appropriate Japanese actresses, then just Asian actresses and realized no one in Ninja Gaiden games is actually Asian. I stumbled upon this chick and think she kind of nails the "I'm white....OR AM I!" look that Japanese characters exude. She's a singer and model....but that's never stopped anyone from becoming a star! All she has to do is throw flower kunai and run away a lot....maybe make out with Rachel. This thing writes itself!
Doku - Nathan Jones
Doku is a big bitch. Nathan Jones is a big dude. Wielding the Dark Dragon Blade should be no problem considering he hangs out with guys who toss elephants through windows. Big character- big actor. Makes perfect fucking sense. Are you taking notes X-Men: The Last Stand?
Muramasa - Kim Chan
Well technically this guy is dead. But technically we're not ACTUALLY making a Ninja Gaiden movie. If we can't get this guy I guess we could hire Golem, and glue a beard on him.
Alma - Sarah Jessica Parker
I sense a running gag!!!!!
And there you have it. A movie that cannot fail! Throw in some limited edition Slurpee cups, and IMAX 3D and we're on our way to The Criterian Collection.