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TOP 10: Worst Things Men Could Be Doing Besides Playing Video Games

Well, it's been brewing for years now: women complaining their significant others spend more time with video games than with them. I took this as idle female prattle from a generation of women who wanted Sex and the City meets Happy Days (read completely fictitious) type lifestyles and relationships. I looked on and chuckled as articles came out from various women's magazines wondering "where have all the REAL men gone?". I'm sure every era of man has had its own scapegoat for failed relationships, but since this is my man era lets tackle the subject of video games! Sure I LOVE playing games, and my wife has no problem with it (that I know of), but this is more of a defense for any and all men who have to sneak around their favorite hobby lest the vagina troll cry "ME ME ME!". Need an excuse? Read on.

The choice is yours ladies...


Ladies don't get the wrong idea. We love you, it's just that as men we also need time for ourselves. Maybe more than you think is reasonable. While some women may see video games as the great generational destroyer that sucks their men in and turns them into brainless neanderthals, remember let she who is without the DVR set to record Grey's Anatomy cast the first stone. Bottom line is whether it's poker night with the guys, watching "the game" (whatever the fuck that means), or a night of Gears MP, guys have always needed a chance to "hang out". Think about it ladies, is playing video games REALLY that bad of a past time for your man? Just think of what ELSE he could be doing with this time! Hint, it's not marathoning "16 and Pregnant" with you, while feeding you chocolate crepes every time the teenagers decide to keep their unplanned kids.

10. Masturbation
CSI: No Video Games


Ladies this is a no brainer. It's been scientifically proven that guys think about sex every 1 second of the day in some form or the other. The only thing that will keep his mind off the sweetest of release, is thinking about the release of the new COD. Think I'm kidding? Leave your man alone in the house during some intense Mercenary TDM, return in an hour and check his stats. He'll have leveled up, unlocked an ACOG, and have a murder boner that has been completely unattended to.

9. Slavery
Which Enslaved would you prefer women?


Before people could PWN NOOBS, they had to settle for owning nubians. If I could make a chart showing the direct correlation between the fall of slavery and the rise of video games it would probably prove my point. Scientifically.

8. Pistol Duels
Muzzle-Loaders are OP!!!


FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT SHORYUKENS! That's about the extent of satisfaction you can demand online gaming. Olden-non-video-games-times-men played on hardcore by default. Good news ladies, your husband isn't stuck on the couch 2 hours a night, he's buried in the cold cold ground. Obviously video games are a serious problem.

7. Adultery
Boner Alert!


Without video games, men would potentially get bored of their women 2 to 5 times as fast! Seeing your lovely lady companion 24 hours a day gets way old faster than seeing them only 8 hours a day. It's a numbers game. So if men had no video games to play all their free time could be put into unlocking some of real life's trickier Achievements: Twins, I'm just watching.

6. Back Yard Wrestling

One of these guys is Murdernator...Identity theft deserves capitol punishment


This one would only really affect the Caucasians amungst us, but it is indeed a serious risk. Without the outlet of ridiculous over the top game violence, more would take to the ridiculous over the top stupid violence of backyard wrestling. Get those emergency room fees ready ladies, or just let him play SmackDown Vs Raw for another 45 minutes.

5. Racism
Finish the white.


Get a bunch of similar dudes together in a game: they form a clan. Get a bunch of similar dudes together in real life: they form a klan. Guys are just cliquey like that. Sure some racial slurs get thrown around on XBOX live, but most of the time I can't hear them over the roar of the Puerto Rican's Reggaeton. GASOLINA!

4. Gathering of the Juggalos

Maybe I should just go see what it's all about...


Men make the worst decisions out of flat out boredom. Nothing says "worst decision" more than two white rappers from Detroit in clown makeup and a festival to celebrate them. With games being taboo, men would look on with wonderment at this train wreck of trashy amazingness. Without an escape from reality, many would be tempted to attend a thing that I still can't believe is real...

3. ULTRA VIOLENCE
"Hey hon, while you watch that chick flick with your friends I'm gonna meet up with the fellas and rape and murder a family."


You know what the Milk Bar didn't have? Battlefield 3. Coincidence? NOT A FUCKING CHANCE.

2. The Resurgence of Dinosaurs
Spared no expense.


I, like all other males of the species, know the one true tragedy of history was the Dinosaurs not getting a fair shake. Jurassic Park has already given us the blueprints, and the ONLY thing holding the men of the world back from a unified effort to repopulate the world with terrible lizards is the fact that we will start on it as soon as we hit a save point. Ladies believe me when I say that the VERY SURVIVAL of our species relies on us men being distracted from this universal goal.

1. Jihad
You show me a group of murderous religious zealots and I'll show you a group of guys who haven't played MGS3 yet.


In what I consider a bone chilling reality check, I realized that most Afghan caves do NOT get access to Live, PSN, Steam, or even Origin. That many guys together, with no video games, hearing 67th hand about all the cool new hats you can get in TF2, but not being able to try and craft their own.... Is it REALLY any wonder they hate us? Haters gonna hate, unless they can get early access to Uncharted 3 MP.

Well there you have it. A rock solid argument against the reduction of gaming hours spent a day. Now ladies, if you WANT your hubby to be a bigot, sexual deviant, fanatic extremist, or Juggalo then go ahead, pull the plug. You've been warned.


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Tom on :

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