Anyone who comes here enough knows I love getting TF2 into a post as much as AbortionFist likes talking about Fallout. So finally I can make a semi-relevant TF2 post! Oh yes, having your own blog is next to Godliness! It's no secret Valve's been pumping more personality into its (now) free-to-play online, team-based, hat-collection simulator for years. What started as a fairly shallow world of Pixar-ish characters killing each other has blossomed into one of the most instantly recognizable, and personality rich shooters, well, ever (sorry Duke Nukem, you're a one trick pony). So figuring that Hollywood would butcher a TF2 movie and decide to cast real life actors, here is MY rundown for the cast of nine!
Scout - Casey Affleck
Everyone's favorite loudmouth Bostonian, who hails from a family of brothers, is the role little Affleck was born to play. His scrappy demeanor and Boston charm (if that's a thing) could easily pull off the scout. Now all we need to do is CG his legs. Get to it ILM!
Soldier - Gerard Bulter
When there is no such thing as overacting, Mr. Sparta himself would shine as the physically imposing, yet mentally stunted Soldier. Sure, Butler would need an accent coach to get him into character, but it could be doable. He is an actor after all, that's their job right? To play something other than themselves? THIS IS MADNESS!!!!!THIS IS SAWMILL!!!!!!!!!
Pyro - Sylvester Stallone
The Pyro is TF2's most mysterious character: a person whose very words are a mystery. What better actor to portray this diction destroying demon than the oft unintelligible Sly? Of course knowing Stallone, he would probably get in the greatest (chemically helped) shape of his life and force the director to refashion the Pyro costume to be sleeveless. It's give and take.
Demoman - Eamonn Walker
The drunken Scottsman is a tough spot to fill. Not for nothing, even the Demoman himself laments the lack of black, Scottish anything. Eamonn has mainly played African warlords in everything I've seen him in, but there's a solution! Get the only Scottish guy in Hollywood to lend his voice talent for an epic overdub! That's right! GET SHREK!
Heavy - Big Show
I don't seem to be able to do these lists without throwing a pro-wrestler in. It must be my Catholic upbringing. TF2's iconic Russian behemoth has some big shoes to fill. Luckily the guy for the job's middle name is Big. Well actually it's his first name. Even better! Again the accent may be a problem, but the good thing is if Big Show sounds dumb and slow, he's doing it right!
Engineer - Phillip Seymour Hoffman
The mild mannered yet totally maniacal Engie doesn't really stand out in the crowd. Neither does P.S.H.! This guy can seriously act, so nailing the Engie should be a breeze for him. After resume tarring amateur bullshit like Capote the TF2 movie adaptation could rocket Hoffman into the MTV movie awards running, so long as there are no more Twilight movies to compete with....
Medic - Christoph Waltz
Dude's German, or German like. Plus he sings!
Sniper - Guy Pearce
No matter the map, no matter the objective, no matter the class distribution, if you play TF2 you will ALWAYS find 1-7 Snipers on each team. Everyone just wants to be that guy. GUY PEARCE! This actor seems to be in a ton of very watchable flicks, but never seems to get any sort of major attention. Much like the Sniper, he watches his peers from afar waiting for the perfect moment to strike and then BOOM! The Time Machine 2.
Spy - Sacha Baron Cohen
Ah the Spy. Love him, hate him, he is as polarizing as the 2012 elections. My knowledge of French actors pretty much ends with JCVD. Wait. What? Van Damme is from Belgium? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Well then, let's go with Frenchie #2, that guy that wanted to beat Ricky Booobie in Talledega Nights! Cohen will stay disguised and in character even if he's about to be killed. Sound like someone else in the TF2 roster?
Well there you have it. An amazing cast for an amazing game that would make a terrible movie! Oh wait.... One last member!
Announcer - Sarah Jessica Parker
She wasn't getting off that easy! Of course the post production guys will have to touch up SJP to get her to be presentable for the camera. Luckily Parker can bring all the spinster-vile-bitterness needed to create a character who forces color based slaughter on a daily basis.