Welcome back to part 2 of your old pal Abortion Fist's game awards of 2011. This week we conclude the ceremony by honoring all of the industries travesties this year.
Here's a Kinectimals I WILL play!
Worst Game of the Year
Thor: God of Thunder
Usually I reserve this award for games I hate but everyone else loved, like Halo or Dance Dance Revolution. I usually don't waste time and money playing games that are obviously bad but thanks to Gamefly, I was able to waste a weekend on this rushed piece of shit movie cash-in. Terrible controls, Busch league God-of-War-ripoff design, and a boring campaign helped take a super hero I didn't care about to begin with and made me care even less.
Fallout New Vegas - Lonesome Road
Obsidian managed to create an amazing piece of DLC with Old World Blues and build hype to the ultimate showdown in New Vegas with the other "Courier". What resulted was a great big thunderous, unspectacular fart. It had a boring, linear design, no new interesting enemies or items, and the showdown was as exciting and climactic as watching these turtles have sex. It's like they took everything that made Old World Blues great, and did the exact opposite.
Most Annoying Enemy in a Game
The Stranglers (Uncharted 3)
I don't know what their official name is. I've heard stranglers, chokers, and runners but one thing is agreed upon: they're fucking annoying. These guys made their debut in Uncharted 2's coop and they've returned again. They run up to your character head on and if they come within 10 feet of you, they instantly put you in a sleeper hold. The only way to escape is to be rescued by a teammate. On top of the frustration of losing control and being forced to wait, these guys are bullet sponges and take way too many shots to go down. Nothing's more annoying than seeing these guys from a mile away and watching them snap your neck despite your unrelenting hail of bullets. If I want to shoot bullet sponges, I'll play Gears of War.
Worst Multiplayer Map
Davamand Peak (Battlefield 3)
By far one of the worst designed maps of any game in the history of online competition, Davamand Peak disgusted me so much I had to stop playing BF3 for weeks. The map is essentially a giant tunnel choke point where the two teams meet and endlessly grind away at each other with no strategy involved. It goes against everything Battlefield 3 stands for. Every time I set my filters for finding a server, I always uncheck Davamand Peak.
Worst Boss Fight
Barret (Deus Ex: Human Revolution)
This is an obvious statement but you can't argue with facts. This walking contradiction to the rest of the game was actually outsourced to a separate company for design. And that makes no sense to me because it's the simplest design for a boss ever: it's a giant room filled with guns and a explosive barrels. A full on fire fight was the only way to defeat him, completely nullifying the freedom of play style Deus Ex is all about. I don't know anything about game design but I'm pretty sure I could've conjured up that in an evening. Eidos completely wasted their money on that one.
The "Why Are You In This Fighting Game?" Award
Nightwolf (Mortal Kombat)
Runner Up: X-23 (MvC3)
People constantly ponder the exclusion of certain characters from fighting game franchises. But you know one thing no one pondered in Mortal Kombat 4? "Where's Nightwolf?" The only people that ever choose Nightwolf are assholes that do it for the sake of being an asshole. What's even more stupid is how important his role is in the main story line, with all his "spirits" and "firewater" talk. X-23 gets an honorable mention here because I don't know who she is and she seemed to be exactly like Wolverine. I would've much rather have seen Howard the Duck.
TIE:BF3 - Jay Z Commercial/MW3 - Noob Vet Ads
I hate to put Battlefield 3 on this list twice since I actually like the game but that "99 problems" commercial was just a travesty. Their blatant attempt to copy Call of Duty's formula for success was just embarrassing. "Hey, Call of Duty puts gameplay montages to Eminem songs! Let's do one to Jay-Z". 99 Problems is an old overdone song that is completely irrelevant to the game and it's made worse by the need to bleep the word Bitch.
I know a few guys who have fought in Afghanistan and Iraq and yup, they all look like the guy on the right.
But Call of Duty isn't one to be one-upped and followed suit with their own shitty campaign. The Jonah Hill/Sam Worthington commercials weren't funny at all (you know this when Jay Leno starts spoofing it) and the billboard ads that accompanied them were borderline insulting.
Worst Looking (Unintentionally) Female Character
All the Divas in WWE 12
Runner Up - Sonya Blade (Mortal Kombat)
Games and Comics are predominantly made by men which leads to female characters designed with giant ta-tas and revealing outfits. And the sky is blue and death and taxes and blah blah blah. It's difficult creating and designing appealing, ORIGINAL characters which is why WWE 12 is so inexcusable. They had real world women to model off yet they still resemble hideous N64 character models whose curves and facial features are missing a few too many polygons.
Kinectimals: Now with Bears!
Runner Up: Back to the Future: The Game - Episode III: Citizen Brown
This entry originally started with me counting how many games use cliche title words like "Armageddon", "Revolution", "Origins" and such but then I discovered this game name. Kinectimals is such a stupid word, it doesn't roll off the tongue at all. It's like mating a horse and a donkey and saying "Hey, let's call it a donkorse!" I may be on my own on this but adding the subtitle "Now With Bears!" just sounds like a joke and should be written in a pink 80's cursive font underneath "Kinectimals".
Biggest Waste of Potential
Jurassic Park: The Game
Runner Up: Game of Thrones: Genesis
I don't understand it. Jurassic Park has everything pre-written to make an awesome game. Dinosaurs, guns, conspiracy, and a giant abandoned genetics facility on a deserted tropical island. Heck all you really need are guns and dinosaurs, the rest can be changed to whatever scenario you want. For some reason we have yet to receive the top shelf Jurassic Park adaptation Michael Crichton deserved. Instead we get a piece of shit PSN game that looks like an Iphone app. And it has the audacity to include the subtitle "The Game", like it's the be all, end all of JP games.
Game of Thrones also has so much potential, with enough material to fuel a Skyrim sized adventure, but hey it can be an RTS too. However, the developers of Genesis decided to take a Thor approach and rush a game out to stay relevant with the TV show and make as much short term money as possible.
And there you have it. A year of great games, a plethora of part 3's, and a slew of failures whose developers can't seem to realize that the key to success in this industry is to appeal to me and me alone. Thanks for reading and thanks for making this 2nd year of NODJing our biggest yet.