NOT OUR DAY JOB

Now let me state for the record: I am half white, straight, and a dude. That being said I know that I am much more of an expert at seeing the hidden homophobic hatred that habituates itself in today's modern shooters than say, anyone else. It is with an ever vigilant eye and ear that I present to you the changes needed to get Battlefield 3 into the good graces of my ever so easily offended opinion.

10. Replace Recon Class

It's a start...but we need to push it further

You can tell a company is so out of touch with it's audience when they simply won't acknowledge the fact that there are gays in the military. To curb this torrent of denial, DICE should replace the closest hint of a gay class, the Recon class, with a class that better represents the modern gay soldier: The Power Bottom. This class could carry the team, and act as excellent support in tight situations. It's a class that is here, queer, and equipped with a SOFLAM.

9. Re-Record Voice Over


Not only are the words used in BF3 laced with homophobic poison, they are also voiced by young non-college educated males, the enemy of all homosexuals. In keeping with the spirit of open acceptance, all battle chatter should be rerecorded by famous gay actor Nathan Lane. When he cries "Fuck, I'm getting my shit pushed in here!" it's not homophobic, it's Oscar material!

8. New Options on the Commo Rose

Now that's some battle chatter I can get behind

Clearly written by a bigot, Battlefield 3's commo rose, used for quick communication, wants to silence homosexuals and their lifestyle. After years of suffering under "don't ask, don't tell" it's time to kick your antiquated views on sexuality to the curb. Loud and proud, over!

7. Helicopters Play the Glee Soundtrack While Being Piloted

Keep it on the blackhawk down low

Apart from the complete lack of any sort of homosexual representation within the game, Battlefield 3 goes as far as having a soundtrack completely devoid of any sort of overly flamboyant remixes of classic pop music. If we can't get through to DICE's cold heart through an ensemble medley of Journey covers, then nothing will reach them.

6. No knifing

Never bring a knife to an AIDS fight

Here's a nice subtle stab at gay culture. A stranger sneaks up behind you, wraps his arms around you, and penetrates you with his tool. Now you die, while your assailant carries with him a piece of you that can be spread to someone else who penetrates him. Could you make a more obvious AIDS analogy!?! How dare something like this be thrown in the face of a community that suffers with this issue of life and death every day! If Tom Hanks were still alive he'd have your ass SUED!

5. Grenades Get Pulled

It was acceptable back then.

"Frag out!" We hear it all the time. Now peel away the "r" and you begin to uncover DICE's dirty little secret. This is no Da Vinci code, and your homophobia will not be tolerated. Lose the hate, lose the grenades.

4. Wake Island Replaced with Key West

So that's where Recon spent his spring break.

Ever notice how most of the battlefields are in remote locals that are completely anti-gay? Iran? Iraq? Saudi Arabia? France? Well maybe that last one's ok. STILL! Don't think you can just move your theaters of war conveniently to places where dude on dude action is frowned upon DICE! Get rid of the WWII (the most homophobic war btw) Wake Island nostalgia, bring in the Florida Keys: destination for all gays and Crimson Jihad.

3. Rename Battlefield 3

Oh DICE, you blow-hards!

Battlefield 3 huh? Break that down into its acronym BF3. What else does BF stand for? Here's a hint: B fuck, no wait that's too obvious... let's just say Butt F. Now all of a sudden you're getting all homophobic about the word buttfucking!?! I didn't figure you to be as intolerant as all that dear reader. For shame.

2. Remove the Guns

The original Red vs Blue

It's no secret that in the red/blue colored map of America, with increasing blueness comes increasing gayness, and decreasing love of fire arms. So let's cut the cutesy games DICE. We know the only reason you made a military shooter with so many guns is because you KNOW how up in arms the gay community would get over too many...well... arms. This is a video game, not some sick excuse for you to propagate your own one sided views, by distorting the reality of what the United States military stands for. Lose all those hateful weapons.

1. More Gay Sex

Back in the pile!

Well done DICE. You almost got away with it. I ALMOST didn't realize how discriminating you were being. You make a game with 32 men fighting 32 other men: Side by side, blood, sweat and heat, crammed together in sticky places, living like every minute might be their last. Yet NO ONE is having gay sex?!? UNACCEPTABLE! Don't you know 1 in 10 people are gay? Therefore with 64 player conquest modes 6.4 dudes should be banging it out in the back of an APC. Or is that just a little too real for you DICE? You can lie to yourself, but don't make a game that tries to make your lie my reality!


Well there you have it. It had to be said, and I know I am best suited to say it. I suffer from all the hate too, but I will go on. If you think any of this is off base, or over-reactionary, it's probably because you are the next Hitler.