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RANT: Back to the Future, Pt 3

Finishing off the week in nostalgia/time travel, I will chime in on games that my prepubescent MURDERNATOR self would have gushed over, circa 1995. To date myself, MURDERNATOR would have been exactly 12 years old, and looking for love in all the wrong places. Assuming young Abortion Fist hadn't been visited by his future self already, and spilled the beans on my upcoming time traveler visit, my younger self would be amazed to see fully grown MURDERNATOR step out of the time machine, with what appears to be facial hair. That's right young MURD, you'll get there one day. After a quick meet and greet, and strictly imposed "no touching" rule, I would proceed to show my 12 year old self three games that would blow his feeble fucking mind!

While I was back in time, I'd prob tell my past self to practice more Photoshop.


2010's Naruto Shippuuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 2: PS3

Ok first off I would need to explain Naruto a bit: Ninja kids! Now upon seeing the game play out, young MURD would simply be unable to understand how this cartoon game was made, but be left stupidly grinning from ear to ear. See, hoping for a game that looked as good as anime was something I (along with probably like 10 other people) always wished for as a preteen. We all knew cartoons were the shit, and that the way of the future was going to be games that looked as good as cartoons. And we were right! Only not in the way we expected. With the launch of Playstation 1 and its grainy block-like 3d graphics, it would be hard to imagine that these polygons with textures on them would eventually birth the tech necessary to bring our cartoon perfect games to life. That's right. In a strange twist of fate, I would explain to young MURDERNATOR that the best way to get amazing 2d sprite looking graphics, was through complex 3d graphics. I guess I'd also explain what Jutsu is too.

2011's Battlefield 3: PC

As I've mentioned before I really liked guns, even as a lad. Now back then, it was a game of the occasional "ooh look, Arnold has an Uzi in True Lies for Genesis!". Basically, if you could make out one or two realistic guns in a game, you (I) were feeling pur-etty good about your(my)self. So sit 12 year old MURDERNATOR down in front of a 32 inch LCD monitor (another thing that would blow his mind) and load up BF3 and let him play through a round of Conquest large. Then get ready to do some hard time, cuz you just mind fucked a minor. "Oh by the way baby MURD, all those other team mates and bad guys, they weren't AI. Those were other real 12 year olds, getting their minds blown by their future selves". "Oh yeah did you recognize some of that real world weaponry? Well, don't feel bad if you didn't know what some of those guns were, THEY HAVEN'T BEEN MADE YET!" "Uh yeah, HK makes piston driven AR15s for the US military." Of course this would be around the time I told my past self that the war with Russia/Germany would fire up again in 2013 and leave us in a Red Dawn-esque fight for survival, and that as of this instant, young MURD must stop buying Jurassic Park memorabilia, and lay off the comic collecting, and put every available dollar he had into bonds that mature in 2012, for funding a future arsenal that would be used to free Orlando from the commie-Nazis. It's called paying it forward. WOLVERINES!

2012's Ultimate Marvel Vs Capcom 3: PSV

As a young'n, like all my fellow cool kids, superheros sort of ruled our childhood. Jim Lee's X-Men, Liefeld's X-Force, Batman the Animated series, X-men the cartoon, Maximum Carnage: all of it great, and I was drinking the Kool-Aid. Now while we have surely made huge leaps in terms of the PC and console experience, that all sort of pales in comparison to the progress made in the handheld market. When MURDER Jr. finally came to, after the PTSD of BF3, I would casually pull a Playstation Vita out of my pocket, load up UMVC3 and hand it to him. Seeing such a bombastic over the top game with the comic characters I loved, and the video game characters I had yet to meet would be amazing in its own right. But seeing it all on a crisp OLED screen in a sleek handheld that didn't run down 8 AA batteries in 30 minutes.....TIME PARADOX! MURDERNATEEN just died of excitement. The poops of the future would not be constrained to Tetris, and shitty versions of good console games. Nay. The future of pooping is a bright one indeed.


And with that I would get back into my time machine and head back to my present, leaving young MURDERNATOR to process everything he had seen this day. As he sat down on a park bench to try and calm his jittery excitement, he would see the ominous words of warning I left for him, and the rest of the world:



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