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RANT: Alan Wake - The pretentious c*cksucker of video games.

The prayers of no one have been heard and answered! New Alan Wake media is flooding the internet to hype up the release of the most unanticipated sequel of the year. I wasn't going to bother writing about this game because I think I bashed its predecessor enough in my review but the franchise represents a trend in movies which I hope isn't growing in gaming - the pretentious "I don't get it so it must be good" critique.

I recently saw the movie "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" because I love Cold War spy stuff and I think Gary Oldman is one of the greatest actors alive. On top of that the trailer looked pretty slick and the movie got almost universal acclaim from critics. I figured there was no I way I was going to be disappointed. Boy was I fucking wrong. TTSP was one of the most boring and confusing movies I've ever seen and I have no idea what the fuck happened in that 2 hours of my life.

Like Alan Wake, the reviews for that movie were infuriating. Every article says shit like "well today's ADD ridden generation won't understand it so I'm not going to bother explaining why this is great." I say they're all cowards who didn't want to look stupid by saying "I don't get it." Let's look at some examples

Alan Wake opened up with this line:
"Nightmares exist outside of logic, and there's little fun to be had in explanations; they're antithetical to the poetry of fear." Stephen King.

Perfect explanation. This game takes place in an illogical nightmare where anything can happen without explanation. In other words, this game is all about lazy storytelling. Now here are some review excerpts:

"Just remember what Stephen King said about explanations, because you won't see all of your questions answered by the time Alan Wake comes to a close." -Joystiq

"Make no mistake: Alan Wake is out to mess with your head, and it will more than likely succeed." - The Escapist

"As for the actual story, it's a case where the questions raised are often more interesting than the answers, and where deeper meaning is often brushed aside in the name of entertainment." -IGN

These same critics all have their panties most with desire to play the next chapter in this overrated franchise. And they still can't explain to me what they're excited about because they all say the story is incomplete and the gameplay was repetitive. So now I have to see a post way too frequently hyping this game when they could be spending more time writing about the game EVERYONE wants to hear about. You know what that is? I'll give you some hints: Its a fictionalized historical period piece, with themes of government revolution and civil unrest, and was heavily inspired by this photo of a dead horse...

That's right! They need to be talking about Dynasty Warriors 7: Xtreme Legends more! Watch the video below, you can kill horses in it now! No one bothered to post that technological revolution anywhere.

But seriously, fuck Alan Wake. You want a terrifying game about a man reading pages he seemingly wrote but can't remember, and has to use light to survive? And has a coherent, engrossing story? Play Amnesia: Dark Descent.

Abortion Fist
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Anonymous on :

Your wrong on this one..You just didnt give it a chance...
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Abortion Fist on :

*I actually did. I beat the entire first game and wrote up a lengthy review. But feel free to elaborate. I'm ready for someone to open my eyes to what I missed.
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