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RANT: To hell and back.

This week marks my return to Battlefield 3. I quit cold turkey, fed up with non stop losses and embarrassing kill to death ratios. I figured I wasn't cut out for the game and after dealing with the frustrating Beta's lack of configurable options, the official launch's lack of voice and squad support, and finally the game's merciless learning curve, I decided it wasn't worth the stress. Then Murdernator and I figured out the problem, my caveman computer (or more specifically the caveman graphics card) was holding me back. Now that's all changed.

After months of propaganda from Murdernator, I finally got around to playing the game on his system and within 15 minutes I played one of my best matches. I actually got more kills than deaths! So I decided I would try and get a new computer that could actually play the game at a decent frame rate but I didn't want to go blow $1500 on a new system for one game. I was willing to go to $500 because I don't need to play it on Ultra settings at 99 fps. I just wanted a system that could handle it. Sadly I couldn't really seem to do this for less than $800 because of the price of graphics cards.

So I consulted regular NODJ commenter "The Pregnant God" on getting a bare bones PC rig. His response: "I have a computer sitting in my garage. You can have it." And with that began a tale of the greatest non-profit PC building customer service I've ever experienced. Prego dropped off a 2 year old rig that was the top of the line back then and can still hold its own today. I won't bother with the specs because the important thing is, I could upgrade the video card. Something my 3 year old bootcamped IMAC can't do.

This rig is a beast. It stands 5 stories high and has enough fans running to simulate category 3 hurricane winds. So it isn't the stealthiest piece of machinery but I will tell you the customization and love put into this 747 is second to none! Pregnant God built it from the ground up in a couple of days and tweaked every detail he thought would suit me. I'm not just talking the overclocked CPU, the organized and concealed wiring, and the removal of annoying bootup spam software from Windows 7. It was pre-loaded with games like Skyrim and the Witcher 2, a complete music library of 2000 albums, a collection of HD movies he thought I'd be into, raided hard drives with pre sorted folders, and a slideshow wallpaper that shuffles images like Bruce Lee and Lego Star Wars figures. He even set the browser home page to and created this custom recovery Disc for me!

It didn't stop there though. I even got tech support for the new video card I bought the same day. By the end of the night, Murdernator, Almasy Marquis, our friend Kanaanibal, and myself were scoring Ace Squad ribbons left and right. I've never had a PC buying experience like this ever. AND I DIDN'T EVEN BUY IT!

So let this rant be a SALUTE to our friend "The Pregnant God". He refused payment of any form so the best I can do is write this article to him. And if you're struggling in Battlefield 3 like I was, then consider the notion that it's your setup and not your skills.

Abortion Fist

P.S. The Pregnant God in no way supports first person shooter games and condemns using gaming PC's for anything other than Skyrim and RPGs.

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Christopher Martin on :

*Fisto, if you look at the OEM details I added, it clearly states, "RPGs rock, FPS games are for homos."

I'm just saying...
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Christopher Martin on :

*Edit: The Wife says calling people homos is not politically correct, nor does it jive with my liberal views of accepting all people (which I actually do), thus I need to come up with a new derogatory term for those of exceptional hand/eye coordination like those of FPS gamers. I'll work on it.
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Abortion Fist on :

*Exactly why I didn't mention all the hidden messages you left in the System Info. Might I suggest "Queef" or "Cocksucker".
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Christopher Martin on :

*Fisto, those terms are so...yesterday.
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