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What do you do when you've got a hit new IP on your hands? The most immediate step differs from major publisher to major publisher. EA would take the IP and get a version playable for every platform on the market (go look up Dragon Age: Livejournal Adventures and Dead Space: The PLAY-DOH Experience if you don't believe me.) Activison, on the other hand, would keep making the same product, cramming as many conceivable celebrity cameos in to justify the rebranding (get ready, kids, here's Transformers: Battle for Counting Crows, coming this fall!) before the license burned itself out. Nintendo, obviously, would immediately stuff the well-loved property into a high security vault and blot out any mention of its existence. But no matter who you are, there's an all-important step that you take when you've got a hot property like Robot Entertainment's dazzling iOS PVP game Hero Academy on your hands - LICENSE DEM MOVIE RIGHTS!

We here at NODJ figure it's only a matter of time before someone turns this game into a movie. Whether it's Uwe Boll or Paul WS Anderson is anyone's guess. But no matter who's at the helm, a casting director's gonna have their work cut out for them. So to celebrate the release of today's Dwarf team for the marvelous little mobile game, we're gonna shoulder some of the burden!

For those of you unfamiliar with this title, it plays out a lot like-

STOP! Choose the correct description of the game depending on whether you're Murdernator or not:

If you're NOT Murdernator, highlight and read the following description:
Heroes of Might and Magic combined with a Blood Bowl style arena.

If you ARE Murdernator, highlight and read the following description:
It's exactly like Battlefield 3 in all ways.

Glad we got that out of the way. Here's your Hero Academy teams!

THE KNIGHT - Matthew McConaughey

The Knight can take a beating and packs a powerful punch, but more importantly, he's the face man for the product. That means he's gotta take a pounding and look good doing it! Mr McConaughey up for the task, on the condition that the Knight's armor be redesigned to feature no chestplate or undershirt, and that he be allowed to emerge from the ocean carrying a surfboard in every scene regardless of the location.

THE WIZARD - Ron Perlman

It's not a fantasy movie if Ron Perlman's not onboard! The wizard, no stranger to the battlefield, will play the part of the Knight's grizzled friend and mentor, a tough-love hardass with a ready joke every time the Knight swings his sword the wrong way or positions himself foolishly on the board.

THE ARCHER - Zoe Saldana

Thank god Zoe Saldana came along over the past few years. Actresses with a reputation for playing pro archers aren't exactly a dime a dozen. I didn't want to cast Kiera Knightley in this movie. Take a bow, Miss Saldana - you're hired!

THE CLERIC - Sarah Silverman

The Cleric is a centerpiece of the Council's battle strategy, capable of reviving falling units and restoring them to health. Did I cast Sarah Silverman because her comedy is somehow uplifting? No - it's because the enemy team tries to kill her as soon as she appears.

THE NINJA - Ray Park

Whoa! An Asian-themed unit? We better get Ray Park to put a mask on and do some flips! (Do you recognize Ray Park without his Darth Maul face paint or his Snake Eyes plastique lips? Neither do I.)

THE VOID MONK - Willem Dafoe

I don't even have to explain this one, as the Void Monk is clearly based off of Willem Dafoe. Look at those faces and tell me I'm wrong.

THE IMPALER - Ziyi Zhang

When was the last time Ziyi Zhang was in a movie? Have we seen her since, like, 2002? Is she okay? Do you think she'd go out with me? I mean, I've been power-walking.

THE PRIESTESS - Gemma Arterton

"Hi, Hollywood? The Priestess harnesses dark magics - but not in a creepy way. More of a visually impressive and restorative way. Do you have an actress that plays spiritually-important-but-insignificant characters in fantasy drivel? Great - Send her over once Clash of the Titans II: Clash Harder wraps."


So, funny story - I was writing this Casting Call, and Nicolas Cage sends me a text saying not to worry about the Necromancer part. He's heard about what I'm trying to put together and he's on board. He's even got his own Necromancer costume that he stitched together himself. So... I guess we're making a movie, people!

THE WRAITH - Sarah Jessica Parker

I sincerely hope you saw this one coming.

Wait, the dwarves aren't out yet! Well, give me a day, and I'll see if I can get a follow-up with the dwarves cast. Looking to challenge me on Hero Academy? You should - I'm terrible! My user handle is McLeodB - give it a whirl! It's a free download!
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